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The loss of a baby through miscarriage can be a devastating time, and may be difficult for others to understand.

Everyone has their own personal way of grieving, and each person can react in different ways when faced with a miscarriage. The experience of losing a baby is a loss that may take time to come to terms with.  Feelings of sadness can happen at any time.

It is important that anyone affected is able to grieve. This is a time when family and friends can provide support by being there in a gentle and helpful way.

We hope that this information will help you or the person you are caring for, through this difficult time in the most compassionate and supportive way.

For The Partner

Your role is complex in that you have also experienced the loss and are also grieving. This is a shared experience and yet ways of grieving can be very different. You both may be grieving over the loss of your future. You may be able to support each other very well and even feel closer as a result. However grief can put a strain on even the closest relationship. Just when you need each other the most, it may be difficult to say or do the right things in order to support each other.

It can be a very stressful time where you may be the one to keep the family together and are under pressure to keep working even though you are both grieving the loss of a baby. The silence that surrounds miscarriage makes it even harder to carry on. You may have other children to care for and explain the loss to.

Try to sit together with the grief without judgment. A good way to support your partner is to ensure they get plenty of rest, good food and some gentle exercise. You both need time to heal and part of this process is to say goodbye to your baby in a meaningful way. You can remember your baby in your own way, and there is no right or wrong way to grieve your loss.

For Family and Friends

Saying “I’m sorry” and acknowledging the person and their partner’s loss, is the best way for anyone to respond to a miscarriage. Let the person and their partner know that you are there for them.

The last thing a grieving person wants to hear is another person’s experience of loss, because it moves the focus from them.  At this point in time, it is all about your friend who has miscarried and is experiencing the loss. Your job is to be helpful and supportive.  If you have experienced a loss yourself you can let them know that you understand, but don’t take the focus off them.

Never respond with “At least …”.

Any statements beginning with “At least” should not be used as they minimise the person’s loss.

Helpful Things For Family and Friends To Do After a Miscarriage

  • The following is a list of helpful things for family and friends to say or do:
    • Say “I’m sorry”
    • Say “I am here for you”
    • Give them a hug
    • Let them know that you are there for them
    • Send them a message, email or card to acknowledge their loss
    • Be kind and caring
    • Acknowledge that this is a difficult time for them
    • Ask “How can I help you?”
    • Listen to their responses to show that you care
    • Acknowledge their feelings of sadness and loss
    • Be sensitive and supportive
    • Allow them to be silent if they don’t want to talk
    • Be non-judgemental with how they are responding
    • Know that they can tell you about their feelings or experience when they are ready
    • Let them be sad, upset or angry, and reassure them that how they are grieving is okay
    • Show them that you care in your own special way, small gestures go a long way
    • Do something kind, like organise their favourite meal
    • If they have children, offer to help out
    • Show compassion and be present
    • Keep the focus on them

    Unhelpful Things For Family and Friends To Say After a Miscarriage

         Things not to say:

    • “It wasn’t meant to be”
    • “Everything happens for a reason”
    • “It was probably for the best”
    • “Don’t cry”
    • “You shouldn’t have told anyone until after your 12 week scan”
    • “At least you have other children, or at least you can get pregnant, or at least …”
    • “You can always have another baby”
    • “It’s natures way of saving you the heartache of a child with a disability”
    • “This is God’s will”
    • “It’s probably because you were doing too much”
    • “There was really nothing there anyway”
    • “You will forget about this when you have another child”
    • “Miscarriage is like a late period, so don’t worry about it, as you’ll get over it”
    • “Maybe you were too old”
    • “Maybe you should have tried earlier”
    • “Were you taking folic acid?”
    • “Were you planning to have a baby?”
    • Tell stories about other people’s experience of miscarriage
    • Talk about your own or other people’s problems

If you or the person you are caring for feels the need for grief counselling, a good place to start is with a GP, who may be able to make a referral to a psychologist with Medicare rebates for a set number of sessions.

    • There are a number of telephone services available who can provide support.         Telephone support services:Red Nose Australia

      (miscarriage, stillbirth and newborn death support)

      1300 308 307 (24 hours)

        GriefLine:

      1300 845 745 (8am – 8pm Monday – Friday )

        MensLine:

      1300 78 99 78 (24 hours)

        Beyond Blue:

           1300 22 4636 (24 hours)

         Lifeline:

      13 11 14 (24 hours)